Kristin Reflections on a Challenging Year
I scoffed at the student motivational speaker at my nephews’ graduation.
Her speech was uplifting –talking about all the things she and her classmates were going to do to change the world. Usually, when I hear speeches like this my heart swells up and my eyes get a little watery. It gives me HOPE that the kids will save us.
But it was 2019 … the year my partner’s brother was killed in a crabbing accident, and I was having none of it.
“Yeah right,” I thought to myself. “Just wait thirty years. Half of you will be in active addiction, and the other half will be sucked right into the greedy capitalist dream.”
My partner and I were both struggling.
Neither of us felt much like getting off our respective butts to deal with clients, let alone “market” our respective businesses.
These weren’t our best moments. Justin was deeply engrossed in debating any and all Trump supporters online, and I spent the first half of the year binge-watching Marvel Comics.
I wanted to BE Jessica Jones. Her brand of sarcasm and self-deprecation hit me right in the feels.
A few weeks later, still horrified at my jaded thoughts [at my nephews’ graduation!!!] I decided my depression had gone on long enough. So I did what I always do … research. I found an online course to inspire me.
One of the first activities in this course was to look back and “harvest” my year.
Rolling my eyes, I backtalked the words on the screen.
“I don’t need to do this, I can tell you right now my year SUCKED.”
Nonetheless, I answered the first question. “Did you have a vision for the year?” YES! I had all these plans to grow my business, but then Josh WAS KILLED in a F-ING CRAB ACCIDENT WHILE HE WAS HELPING SOME ARROGANT CAPTAIN WHO THOUGHT HE WAS BETTER THAN ANYONE ELSE.
I moved on to the next question: “What occurred, or evolved, or happened, since you set this intention? How would you describe your results?”
I could feel the anger bubble up again. SAME ANSWER! “DITTO,” I scrawled, jabbing my pen hard enough to rip the page.
But then came the next series of questions: ” What were the highlights of your year? What are you most proud of? What was the most positive impact on you and/or others?”
At first, I was stumped. All the bitterness and disappointment I’d bottled up was blocking access to more positive ideas.
But then I remembered that in the spring, every week I got to drive my #3 niece to her club volleyball practice two hours away. Since she’s a teen, those alone moments are rare. And she would always say, “this was fun Auntie Kristin. We should hang out more often.”
Softened a little by this memory, I moved on. The rest of the questions opened the door for me to re-evaluate my year from a HUMAN perspective rather than the capitalistic way we’re typically taught to assess our successes and failures.
Looking back, this choice I made to move through my jaded year to see what else was there for me was a catapulting moment of growth for me. One of the reasons I was so jaded that year was that I was filled with self-loathing because I couldn’t do more to “fix” Josh’s wife’s grief, or Justin’s, or even my own!
But leaning into this pain and my feelings of failure made me a better practitioner.
It forced me to learn that it’s not my job to “fix.”
It’s my job to hold sacred space.
To BE there.
To allow what is.
“Some periods of our growth are so confusing that we don’t even recognize that growth is happening. We may feel hostile or angry or weepy and hysterical, or we may feel depressed. … However, we are, in fact, in the process of change…”
Those long periods when something inside us seems to be clawing its way out of our skin… when we are frozen with uncertainty about what our next step should be … when we feel completely untethered from everything we’ve known … when we’re angry at the world because deep down we’re grieving a really big loss.
Those times are HARD.
And you shouldn’t have to go through them alone.
Personal growth is challenging, even without the experiences of grief and loss. And the way the world typically measures success –with your tangible accomplishments and met goals– can leave you feeling even worse about yourself.
I created a Guide called Measure Your Year, that creates space for reflection questions to look at atypical highlights.
If you’re looking for a different way to measure your year, one that offers a unique monthly reflection process to help place value on your inner journey more than your outer achievements, try my Measure Your Year Guide + Bonus Meditation.